In the Aftermath
On Thursday 8/17/2023, my youngest son Julian called me while I was at the nail salon. He was bored; and, I told him I'd call him back after my "me" time. About an hour later, I watched him walk out of the front door on the doorbell camera. I called him as I headed home and he picked up. He said he was going to the store, but I knew he wasn't. I told him I would pick him up, and we could grab a bite to eat. He declined. I said don't be long son, I love you! He said he loved me too. He never came home.
There aren't words to describe the pain, the helplessness, the void! So, I'll skip over all of that. The following Sunday, I was desperate for answers, for healing, for anything to escape what I prayed was NOT my reality. As I drove across the twin span bridge over Lake Pontchartrain, I released what I had been holding deep inside of me. I bellowed in agony, wailing uncontrollably, screaming "WHY LORD!" I could barely see the road ahead and honestly, I didn't mind it! I didn't consciously think "I want to die today," but I didn't care what happened. Anything to stop what felt like hemorrhaging from my heart would have been preferable. Suddenly, in the midst of my torment and anguish, the word "FREE!" dropped in my spirit, so heavily that I repeated it out loud:"he's free?" (as if someone had audibly said it to me). Still heaving from my lamenting, I couldn't stop saying it...like, where did that come from?: "he's free!"
For the first time in my life, I experienced "peace that surpasses understanding," peace that makes no sense at all! In an instant, I went from inconsolable to calm and tearless! I couldn't cry anymore that day! This was peace that can only come from the Lord!
Searching for Answers
In that moment, for that day, I had peace because I know my son's beautiful spirit is with the Lord for "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17). Still, there was the gut punch--that physical reaction in your body and brain when your reality exceeds your ability to process it. Only someone who has felt it knows exactly what I mean! EVERY TIME I awakened or recalled "my son is gone," I wanted to enter into eternal sleep to avoid the horrific, traumatic blow!
Searching for any comfort, any meaning, any thing at all, I googled the date my son transitioned, 8/18,2023. I didn't know or care what crazy thing would pop up (after all, this is the internet). At this point, I'm still trying to escape reality. Shockingly, the only thing that came up, as far as I scrolled, was a scripture, in different translations: Romans 8:18-23.
Curious, I read a version and didn't comprehend it's meaning but I felt like it was something relevant, not just happenstance. So, I read different translations, understanding more with each one. Then, I read a version (image above) that gave me SUDDEN, unexplainable peace! THIS peace ended the dreaded gut punch! And, it stopped the pervasive, agonizing thoughts about all of the things I lamented Julian didn't or wouldn't do or have in this life.
SUDDENLY, I knew that Julian's earthly suffering (and anything he didn't experience or have in this life) doesn't compare or even come close to the glory of his new life with Christ! I felt sure that Julian's new life is unimaginably more superior to his earthly trials which no longer matter. Furthermore, Julian achieved what all of God's creation is waiting and hoping for...to be set free from bodies that will decay and to fully become God's children, trading our suffering for His glory! Reading Romans 8:18-23 was like a healing balm flowing through my body. In the meantime, I and all who remain must endure the suffering, pain and trials of this life until we, too, achieve God's eternal plan for all creation!
The Comfort Regift: His Peace
In our suffering, we can lean into or away from God. My initial reaction was to run from God. I felt betrayed by Him! But, the loss of my son was unbearable! Full stop! I didn't have a choice but to run to God. I sought the Lord; He heard me and He answered me, just as it promises in Psalms 34:4-8. He didn't have to because He is who He is. Yet, He gave me His gift of peace like He said He would (John 14:27). And, He will do the same for you.
The scripture He gave me was enough to end the gut punch. I still grieve of course because I miss my baby boy terribly every moment of every day. But, thank God, who gives us His peace, an other-wordly, steadfast and eternal peace (unlike the world's)! I grieve, but not as those who do not know the hope of the Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
I always believed that God is real. Now, in my deep distress and the worse, most difficult season of my life, I KNOW He is alive! Scriptures have risen off the page and become activated in my life.
I regift to you the Lord's gift of peace in your trials and seasons of suffering. When you cry out to God earnestly with your whole heart, He hears and He answers. He will give you the peace that surpasses understanding. He will make the unbearable bearable. Your experience won't be the same as mine, but the same God who comforted me will comfort you if you believe that He is who He says He is.
Hebrews 11:6 AMP But without faith it is impossible to [walk with God and] please Him, for whoever comes [near] to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He rewards those who [earnestly and diligently] seek Him.
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