2023: The Worse, Heart-shattering and Miraculous Year
Afflicted with addiction for the past 4 years, my youngest son Julian went missing in New Orleans at the beginning of April. He never went more than a couple of days without calling me to tell me he is ok. After a week, I was terrified! I filled out a missing person’s report. I called the coroner’s office every day to see if there were any “unknowns” matching my baby’s description. Heart thumping fiercely, barely breathing, I waited and exhaled to hear “no he’s not here.” I was only half relieved because I didn’t know where he was.
I began to fast and pray. I pray—but never have I prayed in desperation like I did in the first two weeks of April. I prayed for God to hide him in a rock to protect him from evil and to put Godly people in his path to help him. I asked everyone close to me to pray for his safe return. His name was on prayer lists around the country. As I prayed and read a daily devotion every morning, I heard God saying he will bring him home. I stopped calling the coroner’s office because I had full assurance he would come home. Around midnight on 4/15/2023, I received a call from a stranger who said he was with my son. He’d stopped to see if my son needed aid and had someone he could call. When I told him, I am on my way to bring my son home, the man said, “Praise the Lord.” He waited with my son until I got there.
On June 8th, I was laid off from my job. On Juneteenth weekend, I held a family reunion at my house. It was planned in August of 2022 after the passing of a cousin. It was the first time my three children were home at the same time in a few years, and Julian met his two newborn nieces for the first time (one from his sister and one from his brother). And he reunited with his 3-year-old nephew who he hadn’t seen in over a year. He met people he didn’t know were family. At the reunion dinner, he said, “Ma, I’m so happy.” He hadn’t felt happiness in the past few years he spent in and out of rehabs. Family means everything to Julian!
He was sober for 30 days for the first time in awhile. He attended NA meetings and started a job at Waffle House. His managers and co-workers raved about his good work and mostly about his fun-loving, sweet personality! Customers complimented him to management for his attentiveness and geniality. Nearly every day, I sat in his section to show my support.
On Sunday August 13th, Julian and I went to church. We hadn’t been active church goers in years. During the service, Julian kept commenting how the worship songs and the message were “speaking to me, Ma.” On Wednesday, he reminded me of the message and said again, it was speaking directly to him. He remarked again how much fun the family reunion was.
August 18th, I noticed a van slowing down in front of my house. On the doorbell camera, I saw three uniformed persons approaching up the driveway. I met them at the front door and saw the coroner’s uniforms. I knew! My baby was not coming home!
At first, I felt numb and then I was mad as hell! I yelled at God, “why did you bring my baby home to let him die! I trusted you! So many people prayed for him!” I told God I thought he loved me too much to ever break my heart this way!
There is so much to unpack, too much for the purpose I intend for this post. But I sought the Lord, and he answered (Psalm 34:4)! And this I know for sure; my son is Free! His purpose on this earth is completed. God healed and delivered Julian and brought him to Himself!
Through God's comfort and closeness, I have learned to be grateful, amidst a raging storm! I didn’t think I would survive. I didn’t even want to! Yet….
· I’m grateful God brought Julian home for 4 months for his family to remind him how much he is loved and for us to receive the love in his heart!
♥️ I’m grateful God loves me enough to tell me “If you think I love you too much to break your heart, how much more do I love Julian who I created? How much more did I hate his suffering?”
· I’m grateful he was in his right mind and we got the full benefits of his wonderful, funny, joyful self.
· Having been laid off, I’m grateful I had so much free time to spend with him, watching movies, driving to the beach to have lunch and sitting in his section at waffle house.
· I’m grateful I got to see his infectious smile everyday despite his struggles.
· I’m grateful that he gave me so many hugs, kisses, “I love you, Ma’s” and thank yous every single day because he was the most grateful, caring and genuinely loving human I have ever known.
· I’m grateful Julian didn’t die on the streets of New Orleans not having had the joy and love and laughter he had in the 4 months God granted us.
· I’m grateful that God made me his caretaker for nearly 29 years (and He knows I would have loved to have him for so many more). Grateful to raise such a loving, caring human!
· I’m grateful that he is not suffering because he was suffering.
· I’m grateful that I have had to depend on God and now know His heart intimately.
· I’m grateful for the memories we made when Julian was here.
· I’m grateful that I did everything in my human power to demonstrate my love for him when he was on this earth.
· I’m grateful that in the four months God granted us (Thank you Lord because you didn’t have to do it), that there were no words left unsaid.
· I’m grateful for the two weeks that he was missing, because it brought me so close to God that I could hear his heartbeat. He was preparing me for the storm ahead, even though I didn’t know it at the time.
· I’m grateful for the people who diligently prayed for us during this time. The prayers are powerful, and they work and are working! Your prayers were NOT in vain. Do not be discouraged. God’s ways are not our ways, and his plans are not our plans, but they are perfect.
· I’m grateful that God reminds me that He truly is near the brokenhearted on days when I miss my son terribly!
· With limited funds, I calculated how long I could remain unemployed. I didn’t know I’d have to use a chunk of it to bury my precious son! I’m grateful I had it!
· I’m grateful for the unexpected blessings that poured in to help me!
· I’m still looking for work and I’m grateful that I can trust God that whatever is ahead, I’m going to make it! I’M GOING TO MAKE IT!
God truly is Good! Don’t lose hope, keep praying and keep believing! Just know, that the answers we seek may not be the ones we would choose. But, which of us can create human life? He is our only Hope!
The Comfort Regift: Gratitude
In anguish, I cried out to God, "How could you do this to me? How could you break my heart like this? You know how much I love my baby! He said, "If you believe I love you that much, how much more do I love him? I created him! If you hated his suffering, how much more did I?"
It felt like the sweetest hug. Until that moment, I couldn't imagine anyone loving my son more than me! Here I was, making this about me. Suddenly, I realized Julian was God's own precious one who was put in my care for a time. I felt so grateful to have been chosen as the one to be his caretaker.
Instead of anger for having lost him too soon, I felt grateful for every moment we had! How much more does the Creator love his creation? This revelation of God's deep love for Julian quieted the pain in my soul.
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